[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
no
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Those are good neighbors.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.