Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.