On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.