Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.