Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos