How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
You Might Also Like
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?