Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown