A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
You Might Also Like
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
technically true but not a great slogan
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?