My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.