ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.