YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Not today. 😅