As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Big Sex has us all fooled
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
the council will decide your fate
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Europe. Made in Germany.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.