I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti