[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.