Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Guantanamo Bae
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Need WebMD
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening