Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
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you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
there’s probably a fee though
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
A dead goose is called a ghoost
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call