(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
This is a bad sign
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Today’s Times
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.