When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
You Might Also Like
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m not proud
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.