Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.