My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*