Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no