Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Important reminders
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
This is always good for a laugh.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.