“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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My work here is done
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.