Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
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Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this