Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Bless you
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
North and South