Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I have so many questions.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?