*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
turning my gender off to conserve energy
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.