Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Möther may I have a snäck
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?