I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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Not today, today.
Not today.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
This was the best day of my life
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
$3 #books
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either