me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
i was baptized in a car wash
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower