i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When the stylist spins you back around
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.