A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
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I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.