Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
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[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know