Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
You Might Also Like
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
We need to put an American base on the sun
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what