When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night