What the hell happened in there??
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Every work meeting this week
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl