“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You Might Also Like
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.