(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally