Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids