keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!