Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way