Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Lassie, get help!
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs