ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.