Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
How it started How it’s going
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.