Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
You Might Also Like
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?