They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
All excellent questions
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.