You Might Also Like
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
liiiiiiiiike
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
They’re not wrong
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.