“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Kidney stones? Hard pass
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Sniffing the broccoli
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.