Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.