Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]